"Kindred spirits are not so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world."
-Anne of Green Gables
Look what came in the mail yesterday!!!
{insert my joyously excited shrieking here. Except it's silent. Because I only get excited and scream on the inside}
Just to be clear, this is not a review. No one gave me this book so that I would tell you how great it is.
This is just me, being excited.
The truth is the first time I heard Emily speaking about what her book was going to be, I was blown away. Like a flood of life rushing over me, her words expressed my heart and for the first time it really hit me: I'm not the only one. This isn't just me. She feels like I do!
Even now, that realization brings me to tears.
For me, though I've only read the first three pages, the book has already been a huge gift in my life.
I'm sure all it has to say will be wonderful and even more amazing, but right now, just knowing this story exists has been incredible.
Knowing I'm not the only one, that changes everything.
And only three pages in, I'm seeing the depths of my heart put into words. I can't even think of words to describe how freeing that is.
Somewhere along the way, I got the message that salvation is by faith alone but anything after that is faith plus my hard work and sweet disposition. I lived most of my life under a system I designed for myself and I labeled it The Gospel. As a good girl, every choice I made was dictated by a theology of self-sufficiency. Life was up to me, and I was prepared to get it right.
And then Jesus.
There isn't any other way to say it. Jesus makes it safe to walk out from under that system. We have a God who sees and cares and notices. He will not come undone. He remains un-overwhelmable.
Word's from Emily's blog that touched my heart recently:
When things feel big, I crave small.
And it makes me want to do something radical like pray without ceasing, like breathe in Jesus and breathe out belief. When I do that, I’m pulled into this moment, feet heavy upon only the ground where I stand. Not the hot pavement of tomorrow or the dry earth of yesterday. Just this day, this one. And nothing changes except everything. Because when I do this, God whispers into the depths of my invisible, I am the only big there is. I AM. Like magic tetris blocks, perspective drops into place. I have to choose smallness and when I do, I feel free.
You should go check it out. She's doing a giveaway of the new book.
What a fitting theme for the week I've turned thirty. And the day following a look back at my younger years.
When I look at recent photos of myself, I see it in the lines across my forehead. When I was little my dad would always say "Don't wrinkle your forehead or you'll have lines like me!" Obviously I didn't listen.
Looking at youthful photos of myself last night, I asked my husband "Do I really look much older?" His honest answer. "Yes."
I get a little sad and wish for that smooth, rounded face of youth.
But honestly I'm really happy to be older.
It's true what people say: I wouldn't want to trade the wisdom (small as it may be) that I have now, for the youthfulness I had then.
Many days I find myself wishing I were a wrinkled up little old woman, with the perspective of almost a century behind me. That just seems like such an amazing place to be. I try to imagine how I would look at things then, when the difficulties of today overwhelm me now.
Simple ways (besides the lines) I know I'm growing older.
I say things like "I don't understand the fashion styles lately!".
But better than that, I just don't care. I don't need to be fashionable. I don't feel like I need to impress anyone. This is me. And if there's one thing that has changed from twenty to thirty it would be that (minus the sinful nature) I'm quite content just being me!
I’ve really been looking forward to my birthday this year.
When I’ve talked to friends about turning thirty, I tend to get one of two reactions. The ones who have been in their thirties for awhile say they don’t mind it at all and that it’s been fun. The ones who have yet to hit that milestone seem to look on it with a bit of dread. Because it’s so old.
Well, today I’m thirty.
And I’m so, so excited about it. Happy, thankful, thrilled, blessed, full of joy; all these emotions can be applied to the way I feel about turning thirty.
But of course being the “thinker” that I am, I have to stop and reflect again this year.
There’s something more than just the gift of another year that has me feeling so full of gratitude over this birthday.
I’m going to drive you crazy by being a bit vague, but as I share a bit of something personal that’s just what I feel I need to do.
Early in my twenty-seventh year, I was hit with some very difficult circumstances. I’m not just throwing out a common cliché when I say it was the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. Have you ever been in a situation where everything, everything, your whole world feels as though it’s been shattered?
Well, that’s where I was. The details of why don’t really seem important to go into right now. I’ll just sum it up by saying it was a dark and trying season in my life. The first time in my life I truly understood what it means to be in despair.
I don’t know why, but during that time I remember having a very specific thought repeatedly: if I make it until I’m thirty it will be a miracle. Why that kept going through my mind I can’t really say. But it did. And I believed it with all of my heart. There was no real reason to believe my life would not continue for decades to come. But if the weight of sorrow and suffering crushing someone to the point of a loss of hope were able to steal someone’s life away, then I suppose mine was vulnerable.
It was an overwhelmingly difficult time in my life.
As each birthday has come these last couple of years, there’s been this little bolstering of hope. What if I made it? Maybe I could make it. I’m getting so close; I really want to get there.
And now, here I am.
Thirty.
A miracle.
Again, I’m not choosing my words here lightly. I purposefully and intentionally use that word. Because I know with all of my heart, soul, mind and strength that my arriving at this day is all by the hand of Jesus. And I want you to know that too. To know that no matter how things seem or how you feel, He is there. He is good. And He works all things in our lives for good.
I’m so excited to be thirty. For the first time I feel like a real true grown-up!
And if there’s one truth I know without any shadow of a doubt after three decades of life, it is this.
But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Also we have come to believe and know that you are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
John 6:68-69
