Five
September 18th, 2009 by Ashley
As mom’s we often used the words “It just goes by so fast…”
I say them all the time.
And yet, there is just not enough weight in these words to capture what I’m trying to express.
It sounds too casual.
“Oh look, she’s growing up!” Like a nice little observation, and then you casually go on with your day.
But that’s not what I’m saying.
What I’m saying in my heart, when I choose to say out loud that “It just goes by so fast…”
is more along the lines of this…
I can’t remember enough.
I want to hold on to every bit of this little life so desperately.
Of course I knew, when the nurses kicked her out of the hospital nursery the night she was born because she wouldn’t stop crying, that we were in for big trouble.
And I knew when she absolutely refused a bottle at two months old, robbing me of my way of escape, this girl was gonna be tough.
But if I could just somehow bottle up the way she giggled, and the way her rolly little legs felt as she sat on my hip…it seems like just yesterday I stuck her in a hatbox and told her to smile pretty for mommy!
If I look back at pictures I can remember bits and pieces of life with her at one, and two…but so much of it is a blur.
Swirled up with the busyness of her big sister and the arrival of her little sister.
Am I the only mother who can’t remember all those little details?
I feel like my brain is just a million times too small to contain all that I want to remember, to be able to think back and treasure.
So I rely on pictures, videos, journal entries…whatever pieces I can pull together to conjure up memories of this beautiful little life that is flying by faster than I can keep up with.
It’s like a bite of cheesecake that you just want to savor and not swallow because it’s that good. But of course you have to swallow, because that’s how it works.
And I have to watch her grow, though I wish I could slow it down and soak it up more.
I wish I could tell the world to just stop…make life just take a break, and give me utter stillness so I can do nothing but watch this beautiful life in front of me.
I wish I could hold every precious little moment in my hand and look at it forever…of course, it might not be so special if it wasn’t so fleeting.
She’s five.
Five.
I know when she’s thirteen, five will seem like babyhood.
But today it feels old.
And babyhood seems like it flashed by in the blink of an eye and I barely got to catch my breath before it was over.
It just goes by so fast.
Posted in Family, Little Girls, Philosophizing
I second that idea of making life take a break and stop, but no such luck. Just enjoy….and record all the memories of this special girl!
Comment by Mom — September 19, 2009 @ 12:11 am
I’m glad you’re realizing it and cherishing the moments. Blink your eyes a few times and she’ll be 30 with a five year old of her own.
Comment by vvt — September 30, 2009 @ 4:15 pm